Wondering about Life

I wonder sometimes. Why does life hurt? Why do all the little things that seem so trivial at the moment end up causing so much pain?

I am sitting here today, catching up on some laundry while my daughter naps, and I hurt. I am trying to not be bitter about where my life has taken me so far, and trying to not let myself wallow is self-pity and hatred. Because I know that ultimately it will not get me anywhere. What I am trying to figure out is how I have gotten to where I am and why I have allowed myself to take this route.

I do know some reasons why: fear, anger, loneliness, boredom, seeking approval, not valuing myself.

And while I can pinpoint some reasons why, I wonder why I have a lack of self-control. Why I have failed to use common sense, or open my eyes to the obvious, or why I have disregarded so many little warning signs almost daily. And I guess it's because I am stubborn (not always a good thing), I have a fear of being controlled when I lack control over my own self, and because of this, here I am.

I am a 25 year old divorced mother of one daughter. Very basic, fairly common anymore, but that's not all I am. I am so much more, but is it really anything important, anything defining, anything worth being? I almost wonder if I know my potential, but I am scared to reach for fulfillment of that potential, because it might make me have to work harder. Might make me have to deny myself something right now, at this moment, in return for something with a bigger, better return in the future.

Friday evening, New Year's Eve, was the beginning of a huge wake-up call that continued on until this morning. I continue to do stupid things, make stupid decisions, for no better reason than I didn't think first. I refused to think first. I insisted on looking the other way, trying to convince myself that it was all right, everything will work out, no big deal. When all those little no-big-deals morph inot really-big-deals eventually.

And that is inevitably the cause of pain.

End of my rambling today.